Finally, a break… and a breakdown
After a great night out with friends last night I came home and immediately melted down. It seems counter intuitive, but I think I just didn’t want to feel so abnormal after feeling so good for a few hours. I got it in my head that I needed my heartrate monitor band and I just couldn’t get over it. It was totally irrational and I knew it, but I just couldn’t get over it.
Today closed out a week of constant pushing to get this program completed for FP. It felt like the more I pushed to get it done, the harder it would push to not be done. We just kept finding issue after issue. It felt completely impossible.Finally, I got my sign-off at 1:30 today and all of a sudden I was lost. It wasn’t that I didn’t have things to do but nothing so urgent. I also knew i needed to take some time to take care of myself and rest. I can’t tell you how horrible resting feels after being so focused and working so hard for so long. I felt useless and depression definitely set in quickly.
Resting also gave me an opportunity to listen to my body and realize how different it felt. That was difficult as well because I can’t tell what hurts because I’m pushing it and what hurts because my body is not being used like it was before. I can’t figure out why the muscles in my left side are so tight even though I can’t use that leg. My IT band is tender to the touch and I’m sure I have an MCL tear. Also, my back is still twitchy and tight and I have a ton of cricks in my neck from not sleeping on my stomach. I feel like I’m getting used to a new body and it causes a feeling of helplessness. I realized that I wont really know how many problems I will have to work through until I’m actually able to try bearing weight. I just want to move on to the next phase of this and I’m not good at waiting.
4-weeks
No Limits
I often find it very difficult to talk about myself, especially when it involves describing or characterizing me. I am who I am and that’s all there is. One thing that seems obvious is that those who know me have no trouble knowing exactly how I’m going to react to most situations. I don’t know that I ever would have said that I don’t understand the concept of limitations. I would simply say that I’m a positive thinker. Yet everybody from my friends, to family, to co-workers knew that I had no idea what I was in for with this injury. Every step of the way I have believed that I was capable of so much more than I am. Every step I have been met with shock and disappointment. I truly believed the surgeon was going to look at how much strength and range of motion I had in my leg, declare me wonder-woman and tell me I could start weight-bearing. I walked into his office so proud and confident only to be told, in a scared-straight-80’s-anti-drug-program kind of way that if I tried to walk on it I would be having surgery again. It was like a slap in the face and it was all I could do not to show my disappointment right there. I realize now that he probably sees people like me all the time, and we probably do usually end up back in surgery. So you’d think lesson learned right?
After this blow to my plans I started working on a new way that I could start breaking myself out of the house solo. Brian and I think through every possible way that I might be able to get out of the house, down 3 steps, and into my truck with my walker before we decide this is just not possible on one leg. So what do I do? I call my boss and tell him I’m going to start coming into work next week. Yup, as these words are coming out of my mouth I know that we have worked every scenario and I have no idea how I can make this happen. All I know is that I want it to happen and, again, here is that strange concept of limitations again. I just know that I’ll find a way.
2-weeks
Two weeks down, ten to go! I’m still stuck at home though my only real problem is that my brace is too uncomfortable to wear for more than 3 hours at a time. I should feel lucky that I’m not in more pain but instead I feel completely held back by the fact that somebody was too incompetent to design my brace correctly. Something about that is more depressing than if I were laid up in bed, unable to move. I feel like so many people have been cheated by this poor design.
I feel so sorry for what this has done to Brian. I know it kills him to see me this way. I hate that that he has to take care of me like a child. I’m torn because I want to be able to help and take the burden of him but I know that doing so too early may leave me limited for my whole life. Everybody keeps telling me to slow down but I don’t know what that means. Life doesn’t slow down.
Reality sets in
I have been so good about keeping a positive attitude and today it all fell apart. I can’t seem to find the right mix of things to give me a good night’s sleep. I want to be off painkillers but I think I will have to take them at night so I don’t have to wake Brian up. On top of that, the back brace is killing me and I can’t stay in it for more than 2-3 hours at a time. All I can think about is that I’ve only had it for 1 week now and, according to the doctor, I have 11 more to go!!! I don’t know if I can cope with that. At some point, I will need to be able to shower without it or sit for short periods without it. I don’t know how I will function if that’s not the case. It’s so distracting that I have a hard time concentrating on work while I’m wearing it. The only positive thought that I have right now is that my Orhto might ok me for PT on my leg at my appointment on Monday. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t.
The Accident
It’s been 1 week, 23 hours, and 30 minutes since the accident. It’s difficult to comprehend everything that has happened in that time. I should have been keeping a journal the whole time but I was not exactly mobile. Here goes my attempted at capturing the events.
The Accident
It all starts with the bumper of a white pickup truck. A white pickup truck is going to hit me. I was traveling straight and he was coming opposite me making a left turn across my lane of travel. I remember him stopping instead of turning and thinking that was odd. I waited, and waited as I approached the intersection, finally deciding that he was letting me go. He never saw me. I remember thinking I needed to stay up right or things were not going to go well. Then I was on the ground, rolling; and everything hurt. My back was excruciatingly painful as I waited for the EMT. A few times, I thought I might pass out it was so painful. When the ambulance arrived, they rolled me onto my back and that helped the pain some. I knew that I could move all of my extremities so I was not worried about my back being broken; I thought it was just my muscles. I didn’t know you could break your back without being paralyzed.
The Hospital
I was admitted to the ER where they evaluated me and took my neck brace off. At this point I was worried about contacting Brian and I was trying to work out what impact this would have on my life. My knee had started to hurt very badly and I knew something was wrong. Early on, I was silly enough to think I might have a bad case of bursitis. Brian called me from the airport and the ER personnel let me use my phone to talk to him. It was nice knowing he was on his way and I wouldn’t be alone. After a bunch of X-rays and a CT-scan, I was met by a neurosurgeon. This was probably the most scared I ever was. He explained that I had broken my back. I had a compression fracture of the L2. I wasn’t able to breathe until he said that surgery was not required. He explained the brace that I would need and that I would have to wear it for 3 months. At this point I’m thinking that I can wear the brace to work and probably even do trainer rides with it. I really had no idea. They admitted me into the trauma ward, where I would stay until my brace arrived.
Saturday (day 1)
Until the brace arrived, I was limited to complete bed rest. I ate in bed, I peed in bed, I did everything in bed. As horrible as it was, I kept thinking “at least I’m out of here when the brace arrives”. Overnight, my leg continued to swell and hurt. It wasn’t until the afternoon that I was able to get somebody to look at it. When the news came back, it wasn’t good. Not only did I have a broken back, but a broken leg too. I was scheduled for surgery on Monday, which meant I was not getting out of the hospital until Wed, maybe Thursday. This is when I officially lost it.
Sunday (day 2)
Brian’s mom got on a plane and we both breathed a small sigh of relief. Things calmed down and I started to take stock of the situation. Most of Sunday was spent on the phone and resting. Brian got his mom settled into the house late in the afternoon. With her watching the dogs, he was able to spend the night since my surgery was first thing in the morning. It was nice having him with me. Nighttime was the worst. Sleeping was so difficult since I could not move myself.
Monday -Wednesday
I was out of surgery by 9:30 and spend most of the morning in a drug-induced coma. My friends started showing up around 3:00 to see how I was doing and help when needed. Brian really needed some relief from being by my side so this gift from my friends was priceless. I finally was fitted for my back brace in the afternoon but had to wait for the neurosurgeon to approve the X-rays before I would be given the ok to get out of bed. The approval came Tuesday and I was so happy when the PT came to show me how to use my walker. It was harder than I thought I was concerned with how quickly I tired. I stopped the pain meds on Tuesday with hopes that I would spend Tuesday night at home. I had a ton of friends with me all day to help the time pass. Unfortunately, I was not to go home until Wednesday. I checked out at 10:00 and could not have been happier. I knew things would be very difficult but was up for the challenge (I hoped)
I have since realized how difficult this will really be. I cannot get out of bed by myself, which means I have to wake Brian up every time I have to use the restroom, or need a blanket, or whatever. The daytime is better and I’m much more independent. I still can’t cook anything or carry anything. I can’t lift anything heavy or bend forward. I’m learning new ways to do simple, everyday things. Right now, having a normal life seems very far away and my bike feels even farther. I miss moving and doing. My brain works far too fast to be held up like this.
Tour of Austin
This weekend was the Tour of Austin Bike race. Hopefully, what I will remember most about this race is coming in 2nd on Sunday and not the complete emotional breakdown it almost caused me trying to balance my home life, work, racing, and volunteering 3 slots at the event!!
Friday was the prolog time trial and, as much as I wanted to take this seriously, I just couldn’t. I don’t have TT equipment, and I don’t TT well. I didn’t really give it my all because I wanted to be fresh for the crits. I got 6th out of 9 ladies.
Saturday we were at the driveway again. I was hoping to place better in this race, but I made the mistake of eating a large sandwich too close to the race. I knew when I lined up that I was likely going to be fighting the urge to vomit the whole race. I was with the main group for a few laps when I started to feel bad. We came up on our second prime and I made the mistake of not sprinting with them, thinking they would slow down like they usually do. Not this time. I chased for 2 laps before figuring it was better to cut my losses and fall back to the group that was coming up on me. They rode the race like a typical cat-4 race. A few women doing the work, a couple hard efforts followed by a period of slowing down and letting everybody catch back on. I attacked as much as I could and worked at the front to keep the pace high hoping to drop some of the women who were saving themselves for the sprint, or at least tire them out. It came down to a pack sprint anyway. My second big mistake of the night was underestimating the tail wind and not starting my sprint with everybody else. I passed most of the field in my sprint but couldn’t quite pass the one girl I really wanted to pass. I didn’t even make mid-pack with 9th place finish out of 14 women who lined up. came in 3rd in the sprint for my group, but there were 5 cat-4s in the lead group.
Sunday I stayed in bed and rested all morning. I picked up bagels and lox at CM before heading to my shift at registration. I took it easy and ate early. Before my race, I ate a few clif blocks as well. I also made sure to stay hydrated. I wasn’t expecting a great race after the day before, which probably made me more relaxed about it. When we took off, I quickly got on Kim’s wheel and tried to stay on either her, Kelley, or Betty’s wheel. My goal was to just last. Kelley started to give up early and I had to go around her a few times. After a few laps, I realized that Nadia, Gracie, and I were the only 4’s. I knew based on yesterday that the other 4s would not work together to catch us. After a few more laps, there was an attack and I went around Gracie to chase it. I caught on and Gracie didn’t. Then it was just Nadia and I. Nadia did more work than I did, as it just wasn’t in my best interest. We passed the other 4’s with about 5 laps to go. In retrospect, this should have been a signal for me to start attacking, pulling, and protecting Kim more. My position was pretty sealed. I played it safe and let Kim fight her own battle. In the end, I didn’t expect the sprint to start so early and got popped off the back of the sprint. I came in about 5 seconds behind the leaders for 2nd. A great showing for me but I wish I had given more now.
When Monday rolled around, I was itching to race again. I had promised Brian I would tend to my housework though and I also had a ton of work to get done before the Portland trip. That combined with the iffy weather kept me from lining up. I hope I can store this enthusiasm for the next time though!!
Fozzy’s Follow Up w/ Dr. W
I really wanted to write was the amazing care I got for my dog a at the vet on Wednesday. I had made a last minute appointment to get his sutures out because we had miscalculated the date. They put me in with one of the other doctors, which was fine. When I got there, they said the vet who did the surgery wanted to do his follow up and moved his schedule around to make time for me!! He didn’t rush at all even though I’m sure he had trouble fitting me in. He talked through everything with me and told me exactly what to expect. He check Fozzy’s ears and spent extra time making sure he was comfortable the whole time. I can’t tell you how good it feels to have such an awesome vet. Now fast forward to our oncology appointment Friday. This woman had no idea how to handle dogs. The first time he saw her, she smacked his hips even after I told her twice he had hip-dysplasia and was very sensitive. Friday, she petted him into his face then later, she clapped loudly and yelled at him to get up. It was not the energy she should have had in an already tense environment. We will not be seeing her again unless we have to and I’m glad we opted not to give her any more money.
Thursday at work was finally a catharsis. After weeks of struggling, at the final hour everything came together and I was able to make the samples. My reward to myself was to take Friday off, which was much needed. When I go back on Monday I will be back on my old project but gearing up for a very exciting new project!
The weekend deserves its own update an I am out of time. Maybe tomorrow!
Fozzy’s Diagnosis
It’s amazing where my life has gone in the 2 weeks since my last post. I talked about my life changing forever but really had no clue. Both Brian and I received first silicon this month which has meant 50 to 60 hour work weeks for both of us. On top of that, the infection that Fozzy had on his paw turned out to be a tumor and that tumor is canine malignant melanoma. The last 3 weeks have been full of vet visits. First the toe was amputated. Then we couldn’t find anything that would keep him from getting at the bandage. Finally, after he got at the wound 3 times and pulled all his sutures out, we ordered a muzzle to keep him from getting at it. He had to have a second surgery since the damage he did was unrepairable. All of this while I was trying to work 50-hour weeks and Brian was completely available.
Picture of Fozzy with the first contraption to keep him from getting at his foot
Fozzy wearing his new "no chew" bandage that he promptly ate the next day
We found out that it was cancer two weeks ago and my emotions have run the gamut. I immediately made an appointment with the canine oncologist who informed me that for $3000 of treatment his life might be extended 9 months. I think the hardest part was having a choice for treatment. It meant putting a dollar amount on the value of my dogs life and I couldn’t take that. It took a ton of crying and many phone calls to family and friends to finally find peace in my decision not to treat it.
I have been at peace with this decision for a few days now and part of me wishes that I had taken the time to post here to capture all the thoughts and emotions of the moment before I found peace. The one thing everybody kept asking me was if it would hurt any less if he died in two years vs one? Of course not, and my desire to keep him in my life is purely selfish. I will be a wreck when the time comes. I have loved him more than I ever thought a human could love an animal. He was mine and mine alone. He loved Brian but he had an unconditional love and trust of me that I have never known before. I hope that I have given him the best life any owner could give a dog.